Be the Change You Want to See in the World — through Cohousing
Written by Susan Gee Rumsey, 4CC Member (with John J. Gee)
We who were born and raised in the United States or came here from elsewhere in hopes of a better life are thoroughly steeped in “The American Dream.” The American Dream is the belief that anyone in this country can build a good life for themselves, characterized by autonomy, privacy, and self-sufficiency, through hard work, initiative, and perseverance. This Dream also implies our society is structured to reward each person’s attempts at “Rugged Individualism.” In reality, individual efforts to manifest the Dream, whether or not they produce “successful” results, are often accompanied by loneliness, a sense of overwhelm, vulnerability in times of crisis, and silent caregiving burdens.
Of all status symbols comprising the American Dream, ownership of a single-family home is primary. Owning other things, such as cars and boats, can also be important indicators of social status. But it is the single-family house that implies its owner possesses, among other things, income sufficient not only to cover necessities, but also to achieve a measure of safety, dignity, and choice. But w
omen and people of color were never intended for the American Dream. The field where the Game of the American Dream is played has never been level — socially, culturally, or legally. And the White men (of means) for whom the Dream was intended, despite all their successes, are still likely to be subject to loneliness and essential vulnerability in their social isolation from the other White men with whom they are competing. They may crave community, yet fear it as interference and intrusion. But the assumption that the best life for everyone is a private one, achieved through Rugged Individualism, does not necessarily hold up when compared to the social model of Cohousing.
Cohousing, brought to the U.S. 40 years ago and now represented across the country by over 160 existing cohousing communities (with many more in formation), retains many of the benefits vaunted by the American Dream, but the concept builds upon a different cultural core. While cohousers still have their privately owned homes, along with safety, dignity, and choice, their daily lives emphasize mutual resilience over individual achievement, relationship-by-design over privacy first, and interdependence over seeing the need for help as weakness. Conflict, an everpresent feature of human relations, becomes something to work through, not something to escape and avoid. Cohousing isn’t simply a different style of housing — it is a different social blueprint entirely.
However much we wish for a society that is comfortable and safe and benefits everyone (“We the People”), it cannot be achieved through the divided efforts of rugged individuals all pursuing the American Dream. But when we turn to a different social model that actively practices community, while fully recognizing individual needs and wishes, we can “be the change we want to see in the world” each and every day of our lives.
